I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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