She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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