U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
