my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
