Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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