i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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