I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
