Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Fuck appropriateness.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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