Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
