if you like me you must not know who I am
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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