I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Holy sore nipples Batman
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
