My friends, they love my intelligence
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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