guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
