I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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