I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
