Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
