I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
