please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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