cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I wish there were birth control emojis
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
