They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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