That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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