I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
