just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
