I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
