working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
