you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
