I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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