You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize