My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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