i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
