I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
