i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Mom said you looked used
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
