I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
