the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
