Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
