Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
