My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
