i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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