i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
