my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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