Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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