when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
