She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We left the knife in your bed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
