Do you still have your period?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
