All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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