One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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