why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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