An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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