If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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