if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
